Palestinians and Jews, Heartbreaking Unshared Vision

Having lived through the chaos of our bombardment of Gaza terrorist sites a couple of weeks ago resulting from Hamas rockets being fired into Israel, and having written about what we want for the Palestinians before, I feel compelled to share what are more undeniable truths about this ongoing conflict.

We can argue about the history of who wronged was 60 years ago and who is wronged today and whose fault it is. We can argue about opportunities lost and whether there is moral equivalence of destroying terror sites knowing that some innocents will die and which side rejoices when innocents die in various contexts. We can debate whose actions are short-sighted and what ruling party is detrimental to its own people. But that’s all been argued before, and the result is what we see today: an economic blockade of Gaza, a terrorist organization ruling it that continues to smuggle weapons that get stronger and stronger, a Hamas not only perfectly willing but actually seeking to sacrifice the prosperity and freedom and quality of life and celebrating the horrible suffering through loss of life and limb. Why? To further Hamas’ political goal of creating a Fundamental Islamist state where sharia law rules in place of Israel, requiring the destruction of Israel itself. The 1.5 million Israeli Arab citizens of Christian and Muslim descent certainly do not want that. The Palestinians in the West Bank certainly do not want that. The people of Gaza certainly do not want that, for that matter. Israelis are aware of this. Palestinians in Israel proper who are citizens of Israel have a great life. They pay less for the universities, have lower entry requirements, and clearly have a better lives than nearly all Arab countries’ citizens.  They are prosperous and live in freedom. But let us not re-tread old territory. Unbiased and uneducated people who understand the history and current situation certainly are aware of this. The question is, what is Israel to do now?

We both can and can not continue in the cycle of violence in which it finds itself. Israelis are desperate for peace. Israel wants peace with the Palestinians. Israel is also not willing to sacrifice its own security for a hollow peace that will break down. So the cycle necessitating occupation and blockade continue. They want Palestinians to be rich. Israel wants them to prosper under great leadership. If their leadership would have accepted a two-state solution when they were offered it in 1948, we may not be in this mess today. If their leadership would have accepted 98% of the land they sought when Prime Minister Ehud Barak offered it to them more recently, we also may not be in the mess we are in today. But their leadership rejects peace while Israel seeks it. Why? We do not know. We kind of do know though. Their leadership is piggish and unappreciative.

Why are 40% of the United Nations resolutions condemning actions an another UN member nation toward Israel? There are more than 200 such resolutions. North Korea has 1.  One! 1 negative resolution for the most brutal dictatorship on Planet Earth. How many does Cambodia have? How about Saudi Arabia? Let’s just consider North Korea, because the example is just too good. 200 vs. 1? The reason is something we do have the answer to and it does not have anything to do with the imbalance in the number of lives lost in 2008 and the 150 Palestinians who died a couple weeks ago vs. the 6 Israelis in the same operation. There are theories about Arab coalitions in the UN ganging up on Israel, but the answer is actually much simpler. People do not like Jewish people, especially in Europe. Yes, they are anti-Semitic. Let’s just face the reality. There is no other genuine explanation for the huge number of negative resolutions.

People say, oh, well, Israel is an Apartheid state, like South Africa. Well, guess what, it’s not — 1.5 million Arab citizens of Israel live in Israel with full rights and are quite happy. They vote and they are in the Knesset (Pariliament). If you are not a citizen of Israel, correct, you don’t have the same rights, just like in every other country in the world…you need to be a citizen to enjoy full rights. If someone converts to Judaism, by the way — anyone on Planet Earth for that matter — they are entitled to citizenship in Israel. Israel is a Jewish state, just like Norway is a Norwegian state and Switzerland is a Swiss state. You can’t just walk into those countries and expect full rights of citizenship either.

People in general do not like strong people. Europeans especially do not like strong people. They do not like ethnic groups of successful people. They are jealous of Jews, and it’s a shame. Because where ever Jews go, there is is economic prosperity for everyone. That’s one reason America loves Israel. The land of opportunity (which sadly is becoming more Socialist like Europe with every administration) recognizes that the pie is infinitely big. Jews have been great for America.

We must do everything we can to help the Palestinians not displace Israel, but rather be as economically successful as they can be. Yes, for the time being we have to inhibit the smuggling of weapons into Gaza, but Hamas would have little support if Gazans were prosperous. It’s a challenge because Hamas wants them to suffer, live in poverty and die. So what can we do? We can do more for them, that’s for sure. It should never be the case that they don’t have enough food. We should not limit the amount of food they bring in by counting calories. We should parachute in books about prosperity. We should communicate with them on more than just a single channel. We parachute in wind up radios and computers with internet. Yes, Hamas will attempt to use the communication badly, but over time it will prevail. We should offer individual grants to people in Gaza. We can literally send individual families money. There are anti-Hamas elements in Gaza, as evidence by the Arabs they dragged through the streets after killing them for collaborating with Israel. Those people can tell us who needs money. We can also smuggle individual families help, maybe a motorcycle, maybe a book, maybe $200 for food.

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The Harsh Truth: Your Vote Doesn’t Matter

You have probably thought about this, and never been of the mindset to really counter others who proclaim the opposite. We hear celebrities touting the idea that every vote matters, the “Get Out the Vote” campaigns, etc. They will often point to the 2000 national election where George Bush won (or lost?) against Al Gore by a mere “few hundred votes.” But even in that example, even if it were just a few hundred votes, it again demonstrates the idea that there was no single vote that made a difference. Furthermore, they say, if everyone thought as I do, why, then the whole system would crumble, and before that crash, a single vote might matter. But that will never happen. Never will masses of people think as I do in this regard. And that’s not why they are saying “every single” vote matters anyway. They are saying literally every single vote matters, and that’s just not the case. I would challenge someone to prove otherwise. There are 330 million or so people in the United States. There is an Electoral College that most Americans don’t understand which makes it an Indirect Democracy. Of 330 million potential voters, there is no single vote that makes a damn bit of difference.

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Proud Jew Stew of Irritation

Despite my antics and humor poking fun of myself as a Jew and Jews in general, I am a actually very proud Jew. I love that the State of Israel has achieved so much. I am proud of individual achievers who are members of the tribe, like Einstein and countless other people in the arts, sciences, business and academia. I love that we have many beautiful Jews in the public spotlight, like Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johannsen and Paula Abdul. I love that Israel has a fierce defensive army, and doesn’t get bullied by its enemies. Whereas I use the lens of humor to view Judaism in a thought-provoking and nice way, if controversial, others in the world are clearly evil toward my nation with ill-intent. I am dismayed by the anti-Semitism in the world over, especially throughout Europe and the Middle East.

It’s clear that the world does not like us. It’s not totally clear why the world doesn’t like us, but it isn’t totally unclear either. The possibilities are manifold, and include a potent mix of sociological and psychological phenomena: 1) hating any minority simply because the group is a minority and different in any way imaginable from the majority, 2) hating a minority because the minority is ambitious and hard working, 3) hating a minority that is especially charitable (majorities less charitable look bad and feel guilty in comparison), 4) hatred of a minority who as a whole is charitable yet generally is Left-leaning, and therefore supports larger government and concomitant government-coerced (vs. voluntary) charity through wealth redistributive social programs (Socialism/Welfare state), 5) hatred of a minority that by its mere existence in conjunction with a following in context of more dominant subsequent religions based in part on the former’s history is perceived to implicitly discredit those subsequent faiths (Christianity, Islam) — existence of subsequent faiths integrating Judaism’s biblical historical account yet dismiss its tenets imply that Judaism should have no followers if those subsequent faiths were in fact the gospel, and yet Judaism does have millions of followers, 6) Jews (and Israelis, but in a different vein), have cultural norms that people don’t like, such as that Israelis are rude and aggressive, and Jews in the diaspora are excellent at making money and frequently frugal. These generalizations are real, but there is nothing wrong with them. In a slight digression, let’s talk about point #5 for a minute: I don’t want to broach the relationship with Islam for fear of retribution (I’m weak, after all), but let’s consider Christianity as an example.

It’s a little more complicated than this because it was not only Jewish followers of Jesus who who were exposed to Jesus’ accomplishments but also pagans and others, but not all Jews who saw his accomplishments accepted him as the messiah, and Christianity didn’t take off in popularity for about 30 years after his death. Why? Why wouldn’t everyone who was purported to have witnessed his supposed miracles accept him as the messiah immediately? Well, that’s easy — there were many false messiahs during that time period. To be the real messiah, a laundry list of requirements ALL had to be met, not just some of them. The messiah was required to change the world. Check. Jesus did accomplish that. There was to be peace on Earth. Nope, obviously didn’t accomplish that. Christians answer to that is that peace on Earth will happen in the second coming of the messiah. Well, golly gee, if everything can happen in subsequent “comings” of the messiah, then he really doesn’t have to demonstrate any criteria have been met, does he? I, the Annoying Jew, might be the second coming of the messiah for that matter. Maybe I am! Sure, there is no peace on Earth with my presence here, but, fear not, that will happen in the “third coming.” I PROMISE. See where I am going with this? Anyone can be the messiah in that case.

Let’s assume you want to be Jewish. And why wouldn’t you, because it’s an awesome religion and you have a good shot at being rich, even by your association with accomplished members of our club, many of whom are, as you know, rich. Judaism is a religion that teaches us to question everything, from history, to authority, to laws, to the tenets of our faith itself. It is the opposite of Christianity in that way, which is a religion that, on the whole, preaches faith to the exclusion of questioning anything in it. Most segments of Jesusian faiths require an accept that one entity died to forgive human for sin and that acceptance of this tenet grants one the path to eternal bliss in heaven. This central tenet does not require morality. Whereas Judaism is based centrally on the idea of one, indivisible god and moral code that is to be forever questioned and interpreted. As such, our religion and culture espouse questioning everything — everything in Judaism, even the tenets and basis of the religion itself. We question our laws, argue about the existence of God, debate apparent contradictions and disparate writing styles in the bible, etc. Nothing is offensive to us in this regard. This is not hate. This is not someone saying “I hate x, y, or z people or religion because they are ambitious and have what I want.” No. That is offensive. But if someone wants to make fun of the religion to make what they see as a point, no matter how absurd we believe that point is, well, that’s fine with us. Why is it fine with us? I believe it comes down to the fact that we are a very confident people. Now, you might say, What to the fucking what?!? Oh no you di-int! You Jews are not confident! You’re fucking nerds! What I mean is that we are confident in our religion, perhaps because we’ve been mocked for a long time, and people have tried to convert us forever, and have pretty much been unsuccessful. I’ve banged a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormon chicks because they thought it’d be the ultimate boon to convert a Jew and so that was my “in” with them, i.e., the potential to convert me. Buzzzzz. Wrong! (game show incorrect answer sound!). I was a sheep in wolf’s clothing, or a wolf in sheep’s clothing…I can’t remember what the Witnesses say, but they have an expression like that for an insincere congregant just trying to fuck their women. I would always invoke that expression among congregants and make a joke out of it, of course making them laugh.

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What Not To Wear, Annoying Jew Style

Sporting the latest in Israeli fashion, this pig strutting her stuff on the streets of Tel-Aviv thinks it’s fashionably astute to wear horizontal stripes on her torso and 45-degree stripes as a compromise to accentuate her huge ass. The staff of one at Annoying Jew disagrees wholeheartedly with this balloon’s choice, even though we feel sorry for overall especially considering she was so proud of her weight-induced neck hump to have it tattooed ;-) . Look, if she hadn’t made these terrible choices, it would be insensitive to make fun of her, but she did, and she must endure the consequences of public rebuke.

What Not To Wear, Annoying Jew Edition

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Hello Jewish Taliban, It’s About Time

What if there were a group of religious Jews who were so religiously supreme, so much better than you and me, so strictly religious and thorough in the embellishment of observance of 2,000 year old Jewish law that they seemed like the Taliban in their extremes? Could it be that they already exist and this isn’t just a dream? I’m talking about people who are just so fucking awesome in their religiosity that they just blow you and me away. I mean, we would just suck in comparison to how great they are. Why, yes, dear reader, they do exist. Coming soon to a major world city near you, we have, introducing, the pinnacle of value in human beings, what you’ve all been waiting for, the mighty….drum roll….Jewish Taliban! Yes, they will fucking kill you because you disagree with them. The women cover their faces and their whole bodies in black sheets and are encouraged not to be seen in public. Isn’t that exactly what the world needs? Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is the world coming to?

This is real. This is true. There is no argument. We are awed. There are no words.

Is this not the icing on the cake of the fucked up world in which we live?

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“Negative ‘Attack’ Ads?” What a Stupid Expression.

It’s the morning of the Democratic Convention of 2012, so the networks are buzzing with failed candidates of yesteryear chiming in about their incredibly relevant opinions about this year’s national election. Failed 2008 presidential candidate John McCain repeats the expression “Negative Attack Ads” on Fox News about 19 times in 10 minutes, in referencing Romney’s poor polling results. He’s saying Romney is suffering because of so-called Negative Attack Ads that Obama has spent on the order of “hundreds of millions of dollars” putting to market. What a little baby John McCain is to call them that. Just call them negative ads. How is it an attack? I think people shouldn’t exaggerate. And, this is 2012 bitch. Get a grip on yourself, McCain, saying the negative ads are so bad. You went slightly non-negative, trying to keep things positive and taking advice to do that was nearly the worst political advice you could have taken, besides, of course, choosing a total fucking moron for your running mate. And look what the result was? You got fucking hammered and slaughtered in the most embarrassing defeat America had seen in decades. It’s a wonder they don’t lambaste you even more. But, I digress…let’s talk about Palin, your embarrassing and stupid VP choice.

The Annoying Jew agrees with the non-religious aspect of her politics (i.e., limited government) but Palin just speaks in such a stupid WAY. And that’s really what it all comes down TO. And, yes, I capitalized TO because LIKE Palin, I am emphasizing CERTAIN words inappropriately. And if you haven’t noticed she does that, take another look, because she’s HALF-retarded.

Who the fuck told McCain that would be a good choice? It was’t a bold choice like Ryan. It was a stupid choice.

So here we are coming off the heels of an empty chair stand-up bit by Charlton Heston, wooops, I mean Clint Eastwood. I agree with his politics but that was uncomfortable to watch. We wanted something unscripted but not THAT unscripted. When we say unscripted we don’t mean we want you to stumble incessantly on your words.

So what will the Dems do in their convention tonight? They’re bringing in Jessica Alba. Jesus Christ please let her say something stupid…I don’t want to waste a prayer on that, but I don’t believe Jesus is God or God’s son or whatever the fuck anyway, so who cares, right? Beautiful. Is it possible for her to say something smart? She sounds dumber than Palin, and that’s after cutting through the veneer of Palin’s rehearsed talking points which she delivers oh-so-poorly anyway. Why the fuck would they want Jessica Alba to speak? She’s not smart. She’s not just prone to saying very stupid things, like actors do whatever they want irrespective of the script, but, to wit, she’s also prone to say stupid things that offend important people. She can’t memorize lines. I wonder how many times the convention organizers beat into her that she is NOT to veer off tele-prompted remarks. But let’s take it a step further, shall we?

What demographic likes Jessica Alba. They used to be 11 years old when she actually made movies.  16 year olds now? They don’t vote, stupid. Fucking morons.

Before I go, I want to leave you with a little divine piece. Courtney Scott is a proud graduate of the Loyola University and she’s been on the Today Show. The cool thing about Courtney is that although she isn’t Jewish, she knows how to be extremely cheap in some very interesting ways that I fully support. For example, she ate free for an entire week by getting free samples at places like Costco and Whole Foods. But the icing on the cake is the prop she used to blend in. In other words, you can’t just pounce on the scene like gangbusters yelling give me some free sample food motherfuckers! No, you have to be subtle. What was her prop? Simply an empty shopping cart. If you want to add a twist, put a few items in the cart and then just abandon it in the store when you’ve filled yourself up with food. She’s called the Ultimate Cheapskate. I don’t think so, Courtney, The Annoying Jew is the ultimate at everything…  Enjoy!

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We Want Palestinians To Be Rich

We want them to be fabulously wealthy. We would rejoice and marvel at that. Israel has been quite wealthy especially because of high-tech related growth. But the West Bank is also booming with impressive growth, unlike Gaza which is a catastrophe of strife and corruption. The West Bank is the area mostly east of Jerusalem toward the country of Jordan. The West Bank is also known as the Occupied Territories because Israel won it at war when it was attacked by neighboring nations in 1967. Think about that — Israel was attacked, won the land at war, and now it is being pressured to give it back. But back to who? Jordan doesn’t want it. The Palestinians didn’t have it before so how can it be given “back” to them? For simplicity, we’ll just use that language anyway. Israel is OK with giving it back but wants something in return, right? How about peace? Israel would love to have peace. Why not, because rich countries are usually peaceful and want things to stay the same. Shitholes like Afghanistan and various African countries are belligerent because they want things to change.

The point is I would really the opportunity to fuck more Palestinian chicks, because many are hot, and so far when I hit on them they say they are interested but their families would kill them if they saw me in a romantic fashion.  And that doesn’t mean the family members will say “Stop seeing Mickey The Jew or else you’re not living under this fucking roof!”  No, it means, they will fucking beat the shit out of them until they are dead. But let me clarify, exotic Israelis are hot too, but not those of European descent like Bar Rafaeli who is so boringly not exotic. I mean, I would do her but I wouldn’t be that excited about. So to be absolutely clear, the Israelis who’ve descended from Arab and Mediterranean (Cyprus, Greece, etc.) countries are incredibly hot so let’s make peace already by making them rich like us. Let’s make it happen. Period. Done. End of Statement. Sianara.

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Everyone Knows Someone Crazy

I think this is a universal truth. Close your eyes. Imagine the craziest person you know. I don’t mean crazy fun, or lively, or spontaneous or someone who makes unorthodox remarks that get a rise out of people. This also isn’t a mean boss, or a boss who is singularly focused, rude and direct, as in the Devil Wears Prada. This isn’t someone you just know of, but actually someone with whom you have to interact who is superficially somewhat normal. This is a person who doesn’t quite belong in a mental hospital, but wouldn’t quite be totally out of place in one either. ;-)

This person may or may not have a job and a family.

I know a person like this. I am on the fence in between telling him to see a shrink and get medication and telling him just to act more normal. I usually do both. Nothing has worked.

He’s made it easier to see why people who are insane actually are brilliant. I have to interact with this fellow for business stuff, but he frequently will interject personal anecdotes or updates on previous anecdotes where it would be rude for me not to retort with at least something. These interjections are timed in such a genius fashion so as to manipulate me into engaging him, despite multiple conversations where I have said I order you to speak only about business, or else!

I have tried everything with this fellow. I have tried:

1) being direct
2) being indirect
3) being mean
4) being nice
5) using carrot and stick
6) punishing by not talking for a while if he broke an “only business talk” rule
7) using logic
8) using persuasive powers

I am amazed that nothing works. I am amazed he is able to lure me in to retorts. I need him about a 5 on a 100-scale, which is to say I don’t need this bloke at all. I am just so cheap sometimes (and actually I think I am a nice guy), that I can’t just tell him to piss off or ignore him completely forever.

He’d be an interesting case study in how not to be.

I’d like to know if anyone else is willing to share his or her crazy friend or acquaintance story.

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Even Poor People Don’t Like Poor People

Did you ever know anyone who tried to win over your sympathy by emphasizing how poor he or she was?

I have. It’s really unbecoming. It’s also ineffective. Well, let me clarify. It might be effective in winning over sympathy for some one-off event or scenario, but in the medium and long-run, it repels you. Even poor people recognize a fundamental truth about poor people, which is why they’ve sought you out as a non-poor person. Poor people are dangerous. They steal. The lie. They cheat. They can’t improve your standard of living. Generally, to improve your standard of living, you need to work upward. That is, associated with people who are more successful or wealthier than you. Even poor people recognize that, which is why they tend to get excited when they meet someone wealthy.

Word to the wise: appear, dress, act, and look as wealthy as you can,without going overboard in the sense that you are really putting yourself out there as someone you are not.

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High School Reunion Superlatives

It would be a great idea to have high school reunion superlatives.

1) Aged the most.
2) Most likely to have killed us Columbine-style had that been popular back then.
3) Worst looking couple.
4) Most likely to be hiding something.

I was shocked to see at my 10 year high school reunion how bad people looked. Of course the people who smoked looked the worst. Naturally that has to do with the cigarettes themselves ruining peoples’ skin, but I would be remiss not to admit people who smoke of course generally take care of themselves less: poor diet, lack of exercise, more likely to drink excessively, etc.

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